I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
