I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
