Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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