So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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