Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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