The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
