You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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