I cut my penus on the lid.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
