I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
