I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
