I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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