someone threw a dead crab at me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
