I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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