I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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