I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
