Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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