I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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