You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
