i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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