I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
