Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
