I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
