Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
