I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
