haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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