textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
