im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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