I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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