He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
