maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
