i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
