help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
