So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
