Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
