You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
