What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
