He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
