someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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