I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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