the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
