I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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