i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Less talking, more tequila
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
