One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
