I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
