SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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