Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
