Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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