Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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