Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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