I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
