Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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